I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
