The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
