Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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