i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
