I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
