I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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