ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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