Can Purell be used as lube?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
