I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
