Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
