why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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