i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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