the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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