If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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