Having a random hookup so left but love u
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
