he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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