No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize