Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
