11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
