I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
