hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I love you.
Bad choice
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
