My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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