using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
