these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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