my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize