I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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