Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
