I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
