We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
