This dress was meant to end up on your floor
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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