haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
