Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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