Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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