Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
