You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize