So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
