Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
