I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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