when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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