Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
