Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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