you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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