Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
