i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
