Don't make out with my wife yet
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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