Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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