Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize