Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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