drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
