I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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