she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
