I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
