rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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