my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
