i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
