Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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