forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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