Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just blew my weed a kiss
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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