I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
