Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
